This has been a momentous 5 months since my last post. I recorded a song for Avocado Records with my band in a top of the line recording studio (Studio Terra, EMI) in January, we opened for Why? at O-West in February, there have been shows, visits from friends, teaching preschool, a mixtape picnic in Yoyogi, a trip to a sake brewery, good times, and lots of thinking. (no that is not a typo, I did not intend to write "drinking" although there was much of that as well) I've been thinking about the next step. Coming to Japan was a big step and, for the past 3 years there have been lots of little and medium steps in many directions. Tokyo has been very good for me, to put a blanket over my whole amazing experience, but I sense that I need to start preparing for another big step...or a leap perhaps? As my mother says "You're no spring chicken" (thanks mom) so of course I feel pressure to move in the right direction. I've had a tough but rewarding year teaching preschool. It's a good job, despite being exhausting. I know that it consumes my creativity and energy, leaving me with not much to write songs with. It's time to move on from there. I'd been having stress dreams and feeling numb and unmotivated from time to time and then, I came upon this thing I wrote this time last year in an random notebook (with a chiuaua on the front that says "Sweet Dear Dogs: A dog is tame with a person well, and there can be things obeying instructions depending on training well."
"So I just got off the phone with *****. Big news... she's going to be married this friday! The 13th! Ok, so people get married ever day but this is BIG because she has fallen head over heels in a matter of a month and its kind of making my head spin... but then, I start thinking "why is my head spinning?" and all the things I've been told since my childhood came flooding into my mind. "Marriage is a sacred vow which should be given deep thought before rushing into it" that "You've got to truly know someone first" (ie. date for x amount of years, not live with them before marriage (ha!)) Then there was the conversation Linz and I had the other night while making lentil soup. Lindsay said, "Nothing really matters" I chimed in with "anyone can see...nothing really matters to meeee!" and, with that, she cut chunks of honey colored hair off the back of her head... which made me think about my preschool class and how I'm teaching them about planets and how they orbit the sun, and how, when stars get really old, they explode... and how the sun is a really old star...which made me think that our days could be numbered...which also made me think "Wow! how do planets know to orbit in a circular path and why are they spherical to begin with?" Nothing makes sense. Or. Nothing makes no sense. And. Double negatives cancel eachother out... I swear I was going somewhere with this. I remember, as a child, thinking, "When I grow up I'm going to have a house and all the cabinets will be filled with boxes of macaroni and cheese." And now, I'm an adult and, although my cabinets occasionally have a box of mac'n'cheese, not the ideal from my childhood, I'm living a new ideal life. I had a whim to move to Japan. I did. I've found so much happiness here (my man, my band, my friends) and it's all because I followed a whim. A whim could be as small as a chunk of hair or as big as a decision to get married but, the key is not to think too much about what will make you happy and that is what is going to make you happy."
Reading this, I felt calm again. My dreams returned to their odd fantastical state and I re-realized that I'm a pretty lucky person. That this current stress will pass and that I'll find my home again. Japan will always be a home to me even after I leave here. Nothing is "for good" except death and even that is questionable.
5 months ago